I spent the greatest part of my life at a crossroad. Somewhere in between lives. In between memories. In between journeys. In between two versions of me, always jumping back and forth. In a sort of suspended state, from where I simply observed. I observed two individuals evolving at the same time; two individuals so fundamentally different and incompatible.
One bound to this reality and to its limitations. Brought up in a dysfunctional family, in an even more dysfunctional country (Romania), exposed to a system that abused people at every corner through the forceful aspect of scarcity, exposed to heavy religious dogma, and constantly pressured to fit into a predetermined box. I grew up feeling afraid, hopeless, swaying between anger and denial, always anxious, debilitated in my interactions with others, lying to myself, hiding and often disconnected from my heart. Halfway through university, I got the HPV vaccine, which triggered a series of auto-immune issues, and watched my own health and body collapse, I was just 20 years old, and lived with chronic pain, unable to walk or talk for days at a time. I felt suffocated by existence here.
On the other hand, my whole life, somewhere in the background there was always a second me. This other self that knew no beginning and no end. No limitation. No fear. A version of me that remembered itself, remembered life before this life here and would sometimes experience moments of magic. Experiences that can’t be explained here. A version of me that remembered clearly what it was like to be fully in a creative capacity, in true communion with life, unbound to any external authority. I remembered home. True home. I remembered what it felt to travel the cosmos…I could feel my own eternal nature within myself, my true essence, which far exceeded the boundaries of this universe, I truly knew myself as a creator, and remembered so many of my own creations.
These two different existences, and these fundamentally different perspectives were in conflict for most of my life. One could not understand or relate to the other.
The limited terrified aspect of me often waged war against the unlimited creator within. What I held within in terms of awareness was so contradictory to my immediate external existence, that I shut down my ability to see, to feel, to connect, to imagine, to question, and most of all, to remember my true self. I surrendered my eternal nature, and traded it for a spot in this limited human play; I spent most of my adolescence and all the way into university trying to fit in, to integrate, to find meaning in living just like everyone else did.
As the years went by though, the emptiness of that journey started to get to me. The people felt empty. My connections felt empty. My dreams felt empty. My role felt empty. And I started to take steps back within. I pulled more and more back into my creative limitless self. It felt good in there. More meaningful. And I went deep, so deep that I would just spend weeks, months, years, within a space of such expanded awareness, be so in tune with the universe, so connected to myself. And it felt amazing! But for as connected as I was to the universe and to my inner being, I was completely disconnected from this life and this reality here. I disconnected from my role, from my relationships, from my responsibility here, from my body. I was escaping my life, and, as a result, my life was wasting away. I was here, but not really here. Alive and not alive at the same time.
That left me with two choices: give up and disconnect entirely from the pain of being here, or confront the pain and understand why it was there in the first place. Understand why I was part of a reality that caused me such pain. I needed to understand why this creator being, of endless potential, was locked within what felt like a prison. I felt angry, hateful, at times downright spiteful, confused, and simply exhausted. I was grieving for an all-powerful me that felt like nothing but an ancient memory.
This was the truly “dark night of the soul” for me. And as I dug deeper and deeper into this pain, what I discovered was a deep feeling of abandonment. Abandonment by creation. Abandonment by my own self. Abandonment within a torturous existence where I couldn’t express what I held within. Where I couldn’t find the freedom to be my full self. Where I couldn’t fully live and love. I was tormented alive and it couldn’t be justified in any way. And for this I hated life, I hated the Earth, the universe, my own being……I was overwhelmed with pain and a deep feeling of loneliness; and when the answers didn’t come, I gave up; I gave up on myself, on my identity. I didn’t care to know anymore. I wanted nothing to do with a creation that was imprisoning me. I wanted to simply cease existing.
And I truly let go. I let the pain swallow me whole, as I drowned into the nothingness…into an endless void. And at that moment of such vulnerability, after giving up on the need to know, for the first time, a real answer came…an internal knowing, deeper than anything else I had experienced in this life….
My memories, my connections to creation, my intimate love for life, my entire journey within the multiverse, they all opened up to me. I finally understood why I was here. Why we all were here. I understood our journey and our roles. The purpose behind it all and the meaning behind our existence. And this gave me the strength to face my life; to pull myself together and face my responsibility. My responsibility towards myself here, and then towards everyone else.
For the first time, I truly cared and felt compassion for myself. I nurtured a beautiful internal dialogue and was able to heal so many of my mental and emotional traumas and also, to reverse a good 85-90% of my auto-immune issues, by listening to my body.
I also knew that I needed to open up about what I was experiencing, and begin nurturing dialogues with all of life around me. It wasn’t only me that needed healing, but our relationships with one another, our interactions, in many ways I recognized that all of us needed some level of healing, and we couldn’t do it in isolation from each other. I began to share more about my journey and my memories, and earlier this year I wrote a free e-book, Understanding our true story, which was an intro into some of my memories and awareness. It was my way of reaching out and opening up.
Soon after, I went into a period of absence; I needed to allow huge pieces of my life to further fall into place, before I could share more. The years of escape put great financial strains on me, and in trying to fix that, and find some stability within my life again, I had to step away from my writing. I just couldn’t find the time or the energy for it and for a full-time job, and this ate away at me, as I knew I was holding back from my role here. I also knew that there just wasn’t any more time to wait or waste. I have quit my job in a giant leap of faith ever since, and I am now flowing again with this intense inner calling to share more…to allow for a space where we can remember together, learn together, practice together, heal together, reconcile our internal conflicts together, and to step within our roles together. A space where we can find each other once again.
I hope for this blog to be that safe space, a meeting point for all of us to truly support each other in our vulnerability, in our pain, in our joy, in our return to our truest nature. In our return home. Thank you for being here, and for allowing me to introduce myself, and I hope with all my heart that the pages of this blog will allow each one of you to connect to something meaningful within!